Tonight I went to the women's meeting at church. Nancy Colby, a local artist who attends our church, spoke about creativity. She said when someone has creativity from God and are being suppressed it is like something within them is missing, crying out to be released. She referenced a new wine skin about to burst when someone is longing to express themselves and do what the were called to do. It was all I could do to keep the tears from coming. She then asked if anyone had a talent. I raised my hand to speak and my mouth opened. The words and sounds that came out of my mouth as tears were pouring shocked me as much as everyone else around me. I have never wanted to work in PR in my life so badly. I don't get it. I am literally feet away from the marketing department yet I am stuck being a secretary elsewhere. It is just not fair!
The meeting ended with me surrounded by tons of women as they prayed for me. Lord knows I need it. I don't know if I can take it anymore or I am going to burst. For now I am a caged animal that only comes alive in my dreams.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Caged Animals
Saturday, September 20, 2008
A Good Man is Hard to Find
So I have been thinking about what kind of man I want in my life lately because my future husband is so close I can feel it (said in faith, of course).
What I Do NOT Want in a Man:
I have discovered in my journey that I despise passivity in a man. You know what I am talking about, ladies. This kind of guy is so wimpy he makes you feel like a man because he does not step up and do his job of being manly and masculine. For instance, there is this guy who I'll call T. T is a great guy. He really is. Plus he is cute and has a set of gorgeous green eyes. He is sweet. He has a pretty rough past but he is a Christian now and is strong in his faith. I also kind of got the feeling he liked me. I kinda liked him too. I could talk to him. All of this is well and great. . . but I was just not feeling it. There is no chemistry whatsoever between us and he is passive and he makes me feel like shaking him and telling him, "Grow a pair and be a man!" Lately everytime I have seen him he has hinted around that he wanted to hang out with me but he wouldn't just say it. He even went through all this trouble to ask me for my cell number yet when I never called him he had the gall to ask me, the girl, why I had not called him. I am a girl. I don't call a guy I may be interested in or who may want to go out with me. That is his job. He is supposed to ask me out. Whatever. I don't think so. I want a man that knows his place and how to treat a woman. Moving on.
I also cannot stand it when guys are lazy and do not earn their own living. Pardon me, but I firmly believe that unless a person is not still going to school that they are fully capable of working a fulltime job and providing for himself. I know a couple of guys my age who are the biggest freeloaders EVER! These two guys were given things because people felt sorry for them. Yeah, they had rough upbringings and no family down here but still. . . They didn't even buy toilet paper. These guys were evicted out of their house and now are freeloading and using others because they can't keep a job to pay for their own crap. Ugh. To think I actually went out with one of these guys once. He even told me that if I wanted to go out with him on a second date I was going to have to foot the bill. Ha! Moving on. . .
I do not want a guy that will not commit. There are many reasons why it didn't work out with M. Probably one of the biggest reasons why it didn't work out though was that he didn't know what he wanted and would not commit. I'll never be able to wrap my brain around what he was thinking. He chased me for years and then one day I actually felt something for him and then the next week he was in someone else's arms. Oh the tears and emotions I wasted on him. I am just thankful our friendship is still intact.
Out of all the horrible guys I have mentioned and even those I have not mentioned I am certain there are still good men out there. In those good men I am absolutely positive God is raising up a godly masculine man who will one day be mine. The following things are. . .
What I DO Want in a Man:
I want a hard worker. He doesn't have to have a huge bank account or a be Einstein but I want someone who is not afraid to get his hands dirty and do what he has to do to provide for his family.
I want a fighter. Yes, a soldier would be nice, but what I mean in this is that he stands up for what he believes in. He does not let others mistreat him or walk all over him or his woman/children. This also means that when we get in arguments he will not break down and give in easily. I am stubborn. I won't back down. Heck, I like to argue. Pick a pointless fight and give me a reason to argue and you'll see things light up like fireworks.
I want someone intelligent. Once again, reiterating that he need not be Einstein or have a Ph D or even a Masters degree, I want him to be a thinker and think for himself. I have a Bachelor's degree. While it would be nice for my man to have a college degree it is totally okay with me if he does not as long as he has a trade or a good job with a promising future.
I want someone who is present. Men talk to report. Women connect through relationships, ie. talking. For women it is called rapport. My Dad is a great man but getting him to talk to my mom, sister, and I is like pulling teeth. When he gets home he just sits down with his laptop and the remote is in one hand and a Perrier is in the other. If I want to carry on a conversation with him I have to wait till there is a commercial on TV. My Dad is not always there. Sure, he is there physically but oftentimes he checks out emotionally. I need a man of my own who does not check out when I need him most.
I want someone who seeks adventure. Every man longs for adventure and women long to be part of man's hunt for adventure. I want someone who has a trade or a talent, has recognized this talent, embraces it, and works at it. Being a business man does not define who a man is. Don't men feel fully alive outdoors anyway? Go fishing, go hunting, go play ball, go do something outside. I'll even join you. Whether he is a business man, a musician, a ball player, or an artist, I want someone who has something he enjoys.
I want someone who is a manly man. I think nothing is more annoying that a man that makes me feel like a man or like one of his buddies. Nope. It is so not supposed to be like that. I am the woman. I want to inspire and bring out the masculinity in a man with my femininity. The two are reciprocal to one another. A man is masculine because a woman is feminine. A woman longs to be feminine because her man is masculine. Men, be a man in every sense of the word. Do not be ashamed of it. I am afraid for far too long women have asked, "Where are all the real men?" or as Paula Cole sang, "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" The church asked them to be women. The church told them they had to suppress their masculinity because they are Christians. Not so. That simply is not the truth and, as a Christian, I stand up and apologize to men on behalf of the church for this stigma.
I will not demasculinize my man.
I will never ask my man to pee sitting down.
I will never tell him he is not good enough.
I will not nag him as my mother nags my father.
Yet, I will encourage him and inspire him and insight within him a desire with my beauty and my femininity to be a man, my other half, and my husband because I need him.
I will love my man with a love that is heard of in love songs.
I will affirm him, encourage him, and lift him up.
I will be his help mate.
Because I am aiming to someday soon be that kind of wife I am looking for a man that will be that kind of man.
Future love of my life, my Man of God,
Step up and be that kind of man for me. Listen to the call of God on your life. Quit your running. You'll never find a true happiness aside from the will of God. I will be your feminine counterpart, your Ezer Kenegdo, your Eve, your Wife. I love that. I will proudly bear your family name and mother your children. I'll love you more than myself. You'll be only second to my God. Wait for me, my dear, and allow God to mold you into this kind of man. Be the kind of man I have dreamed of. Lord knows I have dreamt of you. You're my hero.
I love you whoever you are.
Love,
Your wife, Kim
