Pissed at the Rays

Well, who am I supposed to marry now?! The Rays traded Scott Kazmir to the Angels out in California. There goes my dreams of accidentally running into him at a restuarant in Port Charlotte during Spring Training.

I am not happy. First they take away my Rocco, next they take away my Scotty. Who will it be next? Evan? BJ? Ugh, just let me alone.

Can Somebody Please Tell Me What Is Wrong With Me?!

Can somebody please tell me what is wrong with me?! This is a rhetorical question, by the way. I am not seeking advice or even encouragement. People have tried but it really has not been very helpful. My life sucks. That's about it. I am just a reject. Plain and simple.

I got turned down for yet another job. . quite possibly my dream job and it was entry level! How the [edit] am I supposed to get experience to get even an entry level job in my field if no company will even give me a chance????

I HATE this [edit] economy! I am serious when I say I am about an inch away from ripping my degree to shreds. It is just a piece of paper and 4 1/2 wasted years.

I was asked out today. . .

A much older man asked me out again today. In fact, this is the 4th time he has asked me out. He told me he is so happy when he is around me, I am like an angel, I have a sweet heart. He was sincere. He was so sweet and completely serious. I must say he certainly has guts to ask me out 4 times now to be (nicely) rejected. I always let him think I am engaged. Today was no different. While hiding my bare ring finger, I had to remind him again I already have someone. I wasn't lying completely. I was speaking my fiance into existence through faith. I felt bad letting him down. He seemed so crushed. I know how it is to like someone so much who a) does not know you exist and b) does not like you back. I don't ever want to hurt anyone in the way I've been hurt by rejection. . .

They Call Me Mrs. Freeze

I read a thought provoking article last night in Relevant Magazine. It spoke about the once I Kissed Dating Goodbye craze among church youth groups and young people, a book made popular when I was a teen authored by Joshua Harris. The mag's article shared some of the pitfalls of kissing dating goodbye much of what I could relate. It was a great concept to forgo the dating scene while I was in high school so I could not fall into temptation and remain pure and even in college so I could focus on my studies. But. . . I have been out of high school for 6 years now and out of college for a year and a half. . .

It was not really in high school that I so much as said goodbye to dating as I just couldn't get a date. Shy, smart, obsessed with boy bands and plagued with acne, I was lucky to not get made fun of. In college, I began to garner some attention from the opposite sex - mostly just friends though.

These days are slim pickins. Right Theodore? (Theodore is my beloved cat sitting next to me as I type.) There are no cute single guys it seems where I live yet at the same time all of my girl friends are either married or engaged. I feel lost. Alone. And wronged by a book that taught me to say goodbye to dating because at age 24 and having only been on 3 official dates ever (2 of whom I did the asking - 1 to a wedding and the other to an event) and never having been in a real relationship, I am left wondering. I held so strongly to the doctrine held within the paperback's 200-something pages. Postpone serious relationships like Song of Solomon warns 3 times to not "stir nor awaken love until it pleases." Well, it pleases now.

What the book failed to mention is that it is hard to know how to act around men for now grown women who were raised embracing this mentality. I don't have brothers. My one male friend growing up was 6 years younger than I.

I think I realized just how much this has stunted me today. I have been getting much attention from men lately. Sadly they all seem old enough to be my father. Promises of trips to Jamaica and dinner have been offered to me. I am nice to them but just keep on going. Sometimes I allow them to believe I am engaged while hiding my bare ring finger as I speak.

So finally, and I mean FINALLY there was a cute young man about my age whom (I could be wrong) seemed interested in me. He just gave off these vibes that he wanted to know more about me. I played it cool. I was calm, collected and even flirty the few times we spoke. This was my prayer about him lately:

Dear God, you know there has NEVER been a cute guy whom I have actually been attracted to that seemed interested in me before. Before it has always been the old men or wierdos or unattractive guys or druggies who I shouldn't have anything to do with anyways. God, please!!!!!
Let him ask me out if he feels there is anything between us!

Well, today I blew it. I saw this particular good looking guy today. He was flirty. I was cold. In our final moments together today as we were speaking, I kid you not, every muscle in my body was tight and my neck was burning and I literally felt pain. In fact, my shoulders still hurt and are tense. He seemed to kind of linger as if he wanted to talk more. I just couldn't do it. I froze. I put up a no fly zone sign and sent him packing. He left. I could tell what he was possibly leading up to and because I had never experienced that before - a guy I was actually attracted to was actually interested in me - I froze and shut down and shot him down. Poor guy. Come back!

Now what do I do? While I am a firm believer in many of the principles of Joshua Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I can't help but sit here right now feeling like kicking myself really hard in the you know where and like I was wronged. There has got to be another way.

Joshua, fix this epidemic!

. . . At least I have my Theodore. My kitty is the true love of my life.

The World is Your Oyster!

I have been quite unhappy lately with my current situation. All I want in this life currently is to begin my career in public relations and to have a husband.

I have been praying lately, asking God how long this season will last and praying about my next move. I just want to learn and accomplish what it is I am supposed to and move on and never look back. I don't want to be like the children of Israel who wandered in the wilderness for 40 years when the trip was a 11 - 12 day hike in reality. I also don't want to misstep though. Hmmph.

God has been speaking to me lately about pearls. I won't reveal yet details of my revelations at this time in regards to pearls, but it occurred to me tonight that one of the reasons I am going through this is to build my testimony.

Think about it: The world is your oyster!

Stepping Up to the Plate

Recently God brought back to memory the story of Ruth.

My boss is not just my boss. She truly cares about me. She is awesome. She knows how badly I want a husband. She also knows how boring and uneventful my life is. . .

Lately, she has just been ragging me bad on how I never go anywhere or do anything but all I do is work, go home and go to church services. She's been suggesting everything under the sun she can think of ranging from clubbing to dancing to internet dating. . . and I have come up with every excuse as to why I can't (or won't) do any of them. . .

(BTW-internet dating is such a turn off to me! Congrats to those who've tried and it worked, but to me it sounds like a lame appeal of desperation.)

She always says, "God helps those who help themselves."

Okay, I ain't no Bible scholar but I don't think that is in the Bible. My understanding is that God helps those who cry out for help, because, believe me, I cry out to God everyday. Yep, I yell at God while crying and scream, "Where the hell is my husband?"
So yeah, don't give me that crap, I'd think as she is giving me her spill.

Needless to say, I do not agree with every suggestion my boss has about me finding a mate, but the more I got to thinking about it, I realized she does has a valid point. The main thing she has been trying to get me to realize is that in order to meet my man, I have to make myself available. All I do is sit on the couch after a long day of work. Then, by around 9:30 p.m., I fall asleep on the couch in the same upright position I was 4 hours ago. But I never fall alseep until I have squeezed in a good hour of drooling over the hilariously handsome Tony DiNozzo (played by Michael Weatherly) on TV's NCIS. Fun fun, because, yeah, he's real-ly made up.

I asked my Dad the other day if "God helps those who help themselves" was in the Bible. He put it this way--faith without works is dead.

Hmmph.

So my girl Ruth. I'd been trying to figure her out for a while now since that last fiasco when I was alone with a house full of male recovering drug addicts. Another very important part of her story was that she liked Boaz. Boaz liked her. But for whatever reason, Naomi felt it was important that Ruth make the first move and seduce him. Naomi told Ruth to bathe in the finest perfumes, put on her best robes, and after Boaz fell asleep to go in and tuck herself under the covers at his feet. This action would basically tell him she was available.

This is like totally scandalous! But it worked and it went down in history. Check it out in Ruth 3.

So, okay, God and my boss, I get it. I need to make myself available. How can I make myself available following in Ruth's virtuous example these days?

What can I do?

I am NOT going to internet date. (Lame!)

. . . I am going to a Rays baseball game this Wednesday. I have always said that I want a man who knows to how to step up to the plate. (Literal translation will do just fine.)

Stick with the Girls

God led me to the book of Ruth a little less than a year ago. Ruth was an amazing woman--truly. How God led me to her book is an interesting story. At the time, there was a Russian/Ukrainian drug rehab group that attended our church. I hung out with them a lot and attended their services. Why not? They were my age and there was certainly no other young people in the church my age.

One night, after work, I drove to the brother's house where their Thursday service was held. After the service was over, unbenounced to me, all of the girls packed up in one van and left. I didn't realize it because I was talking to someone and no one said goodbye. There I was. The only girl in a house full of recovering drug addict men. I stayed to finish my conversation with my male friend. Then they ordered pizza and invited me to stay for dinner. So I did.

I then helped clean up the kitchen. I ended up washing their dishes! Before I knew it the time on the clock read 9:30 p.m. My cell phone was in my car because I left it in there. I had planned on leaving about 4 hours before. Yikes! Keep in mind I was still the only girl in a house full of really nice guys who I considered friends, yet they were recovering drug addicts in rehab. . .

God dealt with me regarding this situation a few days later. He led me to the story of Ruth. These parts, in particular.

Chapter 2, Verse 8 - 9
Then Boaz said to Ruth, “You will listen, my daughter, will you not? Do not go to glean in another field, nor go from here, but stay close by my young women. 9 Let your eyes be on the field which they reap, and go after them. Have I not commanded the young men not to touch you? And when you are thirsty, go to the vessels and drink from what the young men have drawn.”

Verses 19 - 23
19 And her mother-in-law said to her, “Where have you gleaned today? And where did you work? Blessed be the one who took notice of you.” So she told her mother-in-law with whom she had worked, and said, “The man’s name with whom I worked today is Boaz.” 20 Then Naomi said to her daughter-in-law, “Blessed be he of the LORD, who has not forsaken His kindness to the living and the dead!” And Naomi said to her, “This man is a relation of ours, one of our close relatives.” 21 Ruth the Moabitess said, “He also said to me, ‘You shall stay close by my young men until they have finished all my harvest.’” 22 And Naomi said to Ruth her daughter-in-law, “It is good, my daughter, that you go out with his young women, and that people do not meet you in any other field.” 23 So she stayed close by the young women of Boaz, to glean until the end of barley harvest and wheat harvest; and she dwelt with her mother-in-law.

Chapter 3, Verses 10 - 11
10 Then he said, “Blessed are you of the LORD, my daughter! For you have shown more kindness at the end than at the beginning, in that you did not go after young men, whether poor or rich. 11 And now, my daughter, do not fear. I will do for you all that you request, for all the people of my town know that you are a virtuous woman.

Let me break down these passages for you:

Basically, Ruth goes to go get some grub for her and Naomi. Boaz, the rich dude that owns a field that Ruth is working spots her and it is love at first sight. He gives her favor. He tells her that he will offer her protection and plenty of work as long as she keeps coming to his field and works alongside his female servants. Basically, he is saying--stick with the girls.

So then Ruth excitedly reports to Naomi that she met an intriguing man who showed her favor. But she misquotes him. She says, "I can work in his field alongside his servants."

Naomi is like, "Uh-uh, girlfriend. This is a good man. You need to stick with the girls. Stay away from the other men. This one is a possibility."

Then, Ruth listens to Naomi and sticks with the girls. At the end of the story, sticking with the girls paid off. He could see she was a virtuous woman and not a cheap slut.

Good deal. God told me in this to stick with the girls.