Tonight I went to the women's meeting at church. Nancy Colby, a local artist who attends our church, spoke about creativity. She said when someone has creativity from God and are being suppressed it is like something within them is missing, crying out to be released. She referenced a new wine skin about to burst when someone is longing to express themselves and do what the were called to do. It was all I could do to keep the tears from coming. She then asked if anyone had a talent. I raised my hand to speak and my mouth opened. The words and sounds that came out of my mouth as tears were pouring shocked me as much as everyone else around me. I have never wanted to work in PR in my life so badly. I don't get it. I am literally feet away from the marketing department yet I am stuck being a secretary elsewhere. It is just not fair!
The meeting ended with me surrounded by tons of women as they prayed for me. Lord knows I need it. I don't know if I can take it anymore or I am going to burst. For now I am a caged animal that only comes alive in my dreams.
So I have been thinking about what kind of man I want in my life lately because my future husband is so close I can feel it (said in faith, of course).
What I Do NOT Want in a Man:
I have discovered in my journey that I despise passivity in a man. You know what I am talking about, ladies. This kind of guy is so wimpy he makes you feel like a man because he does not step up and do his job of being manly and masculine. For instance, there is this guy who I'll call T. T is a great guy. He really is. Plus he is cute and has a set of gorgeous green eyes. He is sweet. He has a pretty rough past but he is a Christian now and is strong in his faith. I also kind of got the feeling he liked me. I kinda liked him too. I could talk to him. All of this is well and great. . . but I was just not feeling it. There is no chemistry whatsoever between us and he is passive and he makes me feel like shaking him and telling him, "Grow a pair and be a man!" Lately everytime I have seen him he has hinted around that he wanted to hang out with me but he wouldn't just say it. He even went through all this trouble to ask me for my cell number yet when I never called him he had the gall to ask me, the girl, why I had not called him. I am a girl. I don't call a guy I may be interested in or who may want to go out with me. That is his job. He is supposed to ask me out. Whatever. I don't think so. I want a man that knows his place and how to treat a woman. Moving on.
I also cannot stand it when guys are lazy and do not earn their own living. Pardon me, but I firmly believe that unless a person is not still going to school that they are fully capable of working a fulltime job and providing for himself. I know a couple of guys my age who are the biggest freeloaders EVER! These two guys were given things because people felt sorry for them. Yeah, they had rough upbringings and no family down here but still. . . They didn't even buy toilet paper. These guys were evicted out of their house and now are freeloading and using others because they can't keep a job to pay for their own crap. Ugh. To think I actually went out with one of these guys once. He even told me that if I wanted to go out with him on a second date I was going to have to foot the bill. Ha! Moving on. . .
I do not want a guy that will not commit. There are many reasons why it didn't work out with M. Probably one of the biggest reasons why it didn't work out though was that he didn't know what he wanted and would not commit. I'll never be able to wrap my brain around what he was thinking. He chased me for years and then one day I actually felt something for him and then the next week he was in someone else's arms. Oh the tears and emotions I wasted on him. I am just thankful our friendship is still intact.
Out of all the horrible guys I have mentioned and even those I have not mentioned I am certain there are still good men out there. In those good men I am absolutely positive God is raising up a godly masculine man who will one day be mine. The following things are. . .
What I DO Want in a Man:
I want a hard worker. He doesn't have to have a huge bank account or a be Einstein but I want someone who is not afraid to get his hands dirty and do what he has to do to provide for his family.
I want a fighter. Yes, a soldier would be nice, but what I mean in this is that he stands up for what he believes in. He does not let others mistreat him or walk all over him or his woman/children. This also means that when we get in arguments he will not break down and give in easily. I am stubborn. I won't back down. Heck, I like to argue. Pick a pointless fight and give me a reason to argue and you'll see things light up like fireworks.
I want someone intelligent. Once again, reiterating that he need not be Einstein or have a Ph D or even a Masters degree, I want him to be a thinker and think for himself. I have a Bachelor's degree. While it would be nice for my man to have a college degree it is totally okay with me if he does not as long as he has a trade or a good job with a promising future.
I want someone who is present. Men talk to report. Women connect through relationships, ie. talking. For women it is called rapport. My Dad is a great man but getting him to talk to my mom, sister, and I is like pulling teeth. When he gets home he just sits down with his laptop and the remote is in one hand and a Perrier is in the other. If I want to carry on a conversation with him I have to wait till there is a commercial on TV. My Dad is not always there. Sure, he is there physically but oftentimes he checks out emotionally. I need a man of my own who does not check out when I need him most.
I want someone who seeks adventure. Every man longs for adventure and women long to be part of man's hunt for adventure. I want someone who has a trade or a talent, has recognized this talent, embraces it, and works at it. Being a business man does not define who a man is. Don't men feel fully alive outdoors anyway? Go fishing, go hunting, go play ball, go do something outside. I'll even join you. Whether he is a business man, a musician, a ball player, or an artist, I want someone who has something he enjoys.
I want someone who is a manly man. I think nothing is more annoying that a man that makes me feel like a man or like one of his buddies. Nope. It is so not supposed to be like that. I am the woman. I want to inspire and bring out the masculinity in a man with my femininity. The two are reciprocal to one another. A man is masculine because a woman is feminine. A woman longs to be feminine because her man is masculine. Men, be a man in every sense of the word. Do not be ashamed of it. I am afraid for far too long women have asked, "Where are all the real men?" or as Paula Cole sang, "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" The church asked them to be women. The church told them they had to suppress their masculinity because they are Christians. Not so. That simply is not the truth and, as a Christian, I stand up and apologize to men on behalf of the church for this stigma.
I will not demasculinize my man.
I will never ask my man to pee sitting down.
I will never tell him he is not good enough.
I will not nag him as my mother nags my father.
Yet, I will encourage him and inspire him and insight within him a desire with my beauty and my femininity to be a man, my other half, and my husband because I need him.
I will love my man with a love that is heard of in love songs.
I will affirm him, encourage him, and lift him up.
I will be his help mate.
Because I am aiming to someday soon be that kind of wife I am looking for a man that will be that kind of man.
Future love of my life, my Man of God,
Step up and be that kind of man for me. Listen to the call of God on your life. Quit your running. You'll never find a true happiness aside from the will of God. I will be your feminine counterpart, your Ezer Kenegdo, your Eve, your Wife. I love that. I will proudly bear your family name and mother your children. I'll love you more than myself. You'll be only second to my God. Wait for me, my dear, and allow God to mold you into this kind of man. Be the kind of man I have dreamed of. Lord knows I have dreamt of you. You're my hero.
I love you whoever you are.
Love,
Your wife, Kim
I don't like writing my personal thoughts when I know that people may read it. Why? Because then I am forced to censor my thoughts. My thoughts! Nope. Don't think so. I got in trouble with that before. I was too honest once before with my heart in an open online forum.
One day I'll be unleashed. One day. One day I am going to publish a book of my personal diary entries. But not yet. I am still too young and those memories are not distant enough yet. I had inspiration earliertonight. I had the whole thing mapped out . . in my head. I wanted to talk about control and how we, as women, especially struggle with the need to control. This is a struggle that began with Eve. It was part of the curse upon humankind. Now women everywhere are aching. I see this struggle daily. People often feel like they need to control things because they feel powerless and they fear. Or they simply do not understand their place so they control. They do not trust others so they take matters into their own hands and they control. They feel muted, overlooked, rejected, misunderstood so they grasp with all their might to what they can still control. And control they do. Yes, I am speaking of people I know with these very issues. I know these issues well. I, too, struggle with fear. I fear everything. My greatest fear, perhaps, is that I will never find love. Second is that I will never get to have a meaningful career in public relations. Do you know where my fears come from? Low self-esteem, self doubt, comparing myself to others my own age who have what I wish I could have. . .
There I go getting personal about it. Well, if only my speaking engagement had not been canceled everyone would have discovered how to overcome fear and the need to control from my own personal experiences. But, in a nutshell, do things that you are scared of doing while you are still afraid. Dare to trust in God. Cast out the Spirit of Fear. Acknowledge that as a believer you are more than a conquerer and you have the blood of Kings running through your veins. Committ to love yourself. Truly take every thought captive. Be honest with yourself. Identify your fears. Call them out by name. Then say goodbye to them in the name of Jesus. Believe. Believe. Believe. Let go of the reigns to your life. Realize you are not the one in control.
That was what the F word was about. . . Well, look forward to December. Gay tropical storm Fay may have kept me from speaking like I was supposed to this past Tuesday night but I am coming back in December with a whole new word. Let us pray.
I was thinking while driving my daily half hour commute home from work this afternoon about what I'd really like to do with my life. I have had so many ideas but I am not sure which will happen yet. What I was thinking is how much I would love to start my own boutique PR firm. I would be my own boss, set my own hours, and determine my own wages. I already have a few clients and I am sure I could turn them into steady, more regular clients if I had the time. I could charge a monthly base fee and have different packages to offer depending on their needs. I would be able to handle about 3 clients on a regular day to day basis by myself. When I begin to make more of a name for myself I would be able to charge more and take on more clientele and eventually rent office space and hire a receptionist. I would have a separate business account and have my bookkeeping outsourced because I can't very well sign my own paychecks, could I? Is that ethical? In the meantime I would have to file some paperwork to get started and come up with a name for my PR firm and do some PR publicizing myself. Is it a good idea to make my name "Kimberly Jones, PA" and just get a DBA of whatever I decide to call my PR firm?
Now for ideas for a name. . . Dolo Ave Boutique PR, The PR Chic, .. . . . . I don't know. Ideas?
This is going to take lots of time and lots of money and, of course, the clientele. God will provide if this is what He wants me to do. I was just thinking. . . I want to do PR for a full time living so bad! God will have to provide the opportunity, the money, the supporters backing me, and the clientele, and the office equipment, and the office space.
Yikes! Exciting. One day soon.
